ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
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Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
birds and squirrels envy us
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.