The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
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ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen