Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
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Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Florida man
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?