I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
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Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.