Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
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getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.