My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
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Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park