“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
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My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
superman landing like a plane on his belly
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
The second world war should have been called world war returns
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.