I’m a carb girl, born and bread
You Might Also Like
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Cheer up.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire