Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
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Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I only eat vegetarians.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
“Why you watching this shit?”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english