HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
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That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing