EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
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I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.