[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
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Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.