I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
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god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I think my mom just blocked me
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Hmmmmm
I think I’m having a stroke
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.