old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
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ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Jurassic park gets weird
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.