Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
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Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.