her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
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You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.