Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
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BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”