I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
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If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?