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Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.