What about a To-Don’t List?
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A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
is this meant to deter me
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to