fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
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Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit