In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
You Might Also Like
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I’m pretty like a car crash.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.