Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
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the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.