pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
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the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?