You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
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[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do