Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
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[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…