I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
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We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.