When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
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GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
What a year we’ve had this week.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…