[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
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Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.