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Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy