Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
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People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.