me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
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I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.