If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
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“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Meow?
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.