today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
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Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
kitchen magnet
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
There is no “ea” in Tim.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
The three genders
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.