I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
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I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
whenever i wake up before my alarm
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Who does Amazon think I am?
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.