drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
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Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!