I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
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5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers