My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
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My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine