Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
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[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
me after eating Cheetos
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.