LMAO
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I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.