The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
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i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?