Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
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Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”