A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
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interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6