I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
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One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Oh my god
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
twitter is a journey
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.