This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
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I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Denise please return my vape pen
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
superman landing like a plane on his belly