My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
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NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.