Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
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What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.