How do German people not choke to death when they talk
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Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part