For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
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If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
sir, my pâté if you please
You know I’m something of a chef myself
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry