Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
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If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
#FunnyLife Insects
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I need better friends
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.